Rave, (Study, Work,) and Repeat…
There is just not enough hours in the day, or I have poor time management. There are hours set aside for work, for my classes, hours doing school work, hours to sleep, to spend time in my family’s presence, and seeing my boyfriend. I’ve been thinking about myself and how I can get what I want; for the things I work for. But how do you help yourself and others as well? I feel like time is swallowing me up, and I’m thinking about all the homework and reading that I did not do yet. That’s what I was thinking about at work yesterday. It’s typical of me to wait and push things until the last-minute. I’m good at getting things done, but bad about getting things started. I was so excited about school, but now I’m dreading the piles of actual reading and homework that I have to do. I open my assignment tabs, I look at it for a quick second, get anxiety for 5 seconds, and then I watch Youtube videos for the next 3 hours. This is why I stay up so late because by the time it hits 12am, I feel ready to start my school assignments. I need to fix this habit. Time to get organized.
What’s also been circulating in my mind is my job. I want to keep my job because it pays well, but it’s nothing related to my studies. I want to leave my job because I want to focus on my education and career related experience in public health. I want to keep my job because the manager actually cares about me as an employee. Decisions, decisions. I want to find a position at school, but I’m competing with other great grad students too. College has reinforced my belief that life is about competition.
I’m that student that knocks on every teacher’s door, “Hi. Please give me a research position. Please take a chance on me!” No matter what I do or how much I prove to myself and others that I’m a capable adult who knows what I’m doing, I still feel like I fall short. What am I doing wrong? What am I not doing enough? That’s the negative side of me. The negative side of me underestimate my abilities, value, and worth. However, my positive side always say, “It’s okay. You got this. You can do this! Everything will be okay.” It’s on my sticky note at work too. I know things will be okay, and I’ll always try no matter what. What I noticed is that when one door closes, another window opens, and that’s how my life has been so far. So in the end it does work out, but not the way I imagine it.
I had all these expectations and I over romanticized my life. It was easier for me to imagine being 30 years old and successful, but I didn’t really think about the time in between that. It’s easier to say this is what I want to do 1,2,3,… years from now. The goals and dreams are unlimited, but the path to the goal is another story.
Is anyone else confused about life as I am right now?
–Next: Brainstorming ideas for the next post.
Would you like to see more unrelated pictures and captions? INSTAYES!