I just finished my first semester of grad school, and it was little hectic because I was working during the first half of the semester. I struggled to keep up with the assignments, readings, projects, working every other day in between classes, and volunteering as well. I wasn’t enjoying grad school because I felt buried, and I was constantly thinking about the reading I was not doing and the homework that I didn’t start yet while at work. For my undergrad classes it was easy because I was always on campus and I didn’t work. After a year of not being in school, and where I’m only on campus for classes, I got a little lazy about studying. I left my job at the beach to focus more of my time at school, and was offered a position at school. It was a difficult decision because I enjoyed my job at the beach, and the people there. I wanted more experience with research, grant writing, and health projects, and now I’m assisting PhD students and professors with different projects that they’re working such as HPV, Zika, and projects under community and family health. This job offers me flexibility, less hours, exposure on how grants begin and publishing journals, and connections.
This semester was all over the place, I was unorganized, I felt like a ball of emotion, and my relationship took a toll. I began putting walls up, distancing myself away from people, and secluding myself again. I was worried about trying to be an adult and all the responsibilities it comes with as well as my reaching my goals, and it gave my anxiety. I was worried about money, about my grades, about the next step, about my family, and about my relationship. 2016 has been a strange year for me, and I don’t think there were moments of stability, and I felt like I was searching for the unknown. There were moments where I questioned myself about my studies, and wondered if I should have done a different route or why I was back in school in the first place. There was a brief period where I wondered if I should have gone the medical route (to everyone’s delight), gone to medical school, and become a doctor. There were a lot of “what – if” thoughts concerning my education, my career, and my relationship. I’ve grown quieter with my family and arguing more with my boyfriend.
It’s a work in progress with my negative thoughts, and having faith in myself. I was in a little funk this semester, and maybe I feel like I’m in a transition period where I’m not a kid, but I don’t feel like an adult either. Most of the time I was content, but there were a lot of thoughts, self doubt, uncertainty, confusion, indecisiveness, and guilt brewing in my mind.
I hope that the grass is greener in 2017.
To answer the previous post about why I sell food on weekend – I volunteer at football games so that we can fund our group trip to Panama. We’ll be volunteering and setting up health clinics to help the under-served families in Panama. Hopefully I will be able to update more as the trip looms closer!